Silence Is Not Always Golden
by HarvestMoonRacoon
Summary: Even now, I marvel at her. Her serene face curled into a smile, slender fingers knitted together, feet skipping like a child. Marlin regrets his silence as he watches his beloved pass him by. Again.


There was, and will be, no sudden healing.  
You don't recover from things like this instantaneously. Heartache, sorrow, will ravage you for years to come. I'll spend the rest of my miserable life mourning the loss of the most special person to me.  
The person I let slip between my fingers like so much sand. It's kind of sad, when you think about it. To hear someone so broken over something so non-existent in today's world. In our age, love is something on old movies and the Hallmark channel. Not something felt by real people. No, today, love is as disposable as friendly relations, or paper towels, or something like that.  
Maybe that's not a bad thing.  
Maybe I'm the only person who still thinks love is something worth holding on to. Maybe I'm the only one who still feels heartache. It sure feels like it, and god, it hurts like hell.  
Maybe if I were one of those shallow, city socialites I might not be sitting on this infernal bench, watching the townspeople pass me, hearing their laughter.  
How long has it been since I laughed?  
I can't even remember. That's pathetic. Not being able to remember the last time you laughed.  
It's all so unbelievable. I never thought one person could hurt me so much, and yet heal me at the same time. You never expect these things, though. You go about your life, when suddenly, WHAM! Love hits you like a low-flying duck.  
You can walk past someone a million times, and suddenly on the one million and oneth time, your breath catches in your throat and you can hardly keep from yelling out loud. Your thoughts turn to that person at every conceivable time you might be reminded of them, you blush a shade of red akin to a strawberry when you do think of them. It's embarrassing. It's stupid.  
It won't go away.  
Try as I do, can, and will, this feeling will never go away.  
I'll always be here. Some corner of my mind will always think of her when I see her old room. Some part of me will still hurt when I see her walk past me. Some chunk of my heart she tore out will never heal.  
Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much if I wasn't the only one who knew of my crushing affections.  
I never told her how I felt.  
I never once raised a flag to say anything. Of course, the cow-eyed glances, the stutterings, the long heartfelt sighs, and the shy smiles I reserved only for her may have given her some indication of my feelings. But of course, once again, I clammed up about my true feelings. And look where it got me now.  
Sitting on a cold bench all alone, watching my love pass me by without a glance.  
She's smiling. My heart's broken and she's smiling.  
She looks like she might as well be walking on air. She should be. Her face can only be that of an angel's, so pale, caught in a vivid smile that haunts my dreams. Her grey eyes are even smiling. They're bright and almost seem to twinkle, like the millions of stars in the dark sky at night that I never cease to marvel at. She's a frail little thing, always has been. I always towered over her. I'm six foot two, she's five foot five.  
I know that. I figured it out myself one day when I was looking at her. That's how obsessed I was.  
I was as enamored with her as a teenager is about his first girlfriend. Still am.  
I guess she was really the only "girlfriend" I ever had. I never had any friends before her, and even now I really can't call her "friend". She's always wanted nothing to do with me.  
Maybe I grossly over calculated her kindness to me.  
Just because she didn't treat me like dog crap didn't mean anything. She has a natural compassion that absolutely hypnotized me. I'd never seen anyone so slow to anger and quick to console.  
I needed that compassion. I need someone to be kind to me.  
But I got too close. I let my feelings get in the way. I'm shy. I couldn't just talk to her. So I watched her, all the time. Just watched, captivated by her every move.  
All that time, someone else was watching, too.  
That stupid farmer. I could just shoot him. I really could. Stealing my girl from me like that…  
But then again, she never was "my" girl. I couldn't even defend the thing I loved the most.  
So now I sit, watching her still. She just breezed past me. Even now, I marvel at her. Her serene face curled into a smile, slender fingers knitted together, feet skipping like a child.  
She's all the way down the path now. Turning up the road to her new home, sunlight reflecting off her brown hair that always smelled of some smell I never could place, but would have been content to bury my face in for the longest time.  
You know, even if I had been able to talk to her, get over my shyness, I never would have been able to keep her for very long.  
I know who I am. I'm not good enough for her, either.  
I could never be good enough for my Goddess Divine, my soul's very breath. She could never stand me before. What made me ever imagine she could feel the same way for me I felt for her?  
I'm glad I understand all this now. It lessens the pain a little bit.  
But it still stings, pain lingers. It'll always hurt me to see her walking past me, passing me without a glance.  
It'll always hurt every time I see that farm, her sitting on the fence, watching him the way I watched her.  
The pain will eventually lessen, but it'll never go away.  
I'm resigned to that.  
I'm already paying for my past mistakes. Why should I not pay for this one, too?  
Why should I not feel guilty for letting the only person I ever truly loved slip between my hands and into the arms of another? I will always regret not speaking.  
But there's nothing I can do now. She's married. She moved out. She's left forever.  
And I can do nothing but sit and watch her still.  
The shy boy in a man's body watching his girl, wishing she were his, wishing he could reverse time.  
But it's evident as I look around me. Life goes on.  
She loves someone else. I am no more then a name whispered in the wind to her. My feelings for her will never go away. They will stay with me for eternity, haunting me.  
But life goes on.  
I'll eventually have to get over this, or bury my sorrow, like I've done before.  
I'll bury it. It'll resurface, but it's all I can do. People all around me are bustling around, proving my point.  
Life goes on.  
So for now, I stand up. My sorrow is covered for now. It will soon arise.  
But I have to go home. I can't sit on this bench forever. The sun is setting, an orange fireball in the sky dropping behind the mountains that surround the valley, my home.  
So I go home, to a lonely house where my sister will have me working harder tomorrow, and the next day, and the next after that. An endless cycle that will go on 'till the day I die.  
And it will seem even longer without my girl near me.  
But it can't be help. This is my life, my hovel. I have to live it now. And perhaps now with a better understanding of standing up for myself and those I love, be there another. Most likely not.  
I can't stop my eyes from wandering back to that farm. She's got her arms around him. He's smiling, and telling her something, and just like that, they're gone from my sight. Into the mists of a world I am not a part of anymore, into the folds of the cloth that is time.  
I just have one request now.  
Take care of my Celia, Jack. Take care of her like Marlin wishes he could.  
And I walk back home. Lost in my thoughts.  
Feeling like the piece of crap I am, but mostly.  
Lucky in love to have known her. 


End file.
